sitting in shadow part 2
several years ago i came to a crossroads in my life unexpectedly. for a few years i struggled with making a decision, knowing that either direction entailed closing doors. that's how it is-- every beginning is the death of the old way. "the ego struggles mightily against its own death, and every change is one."
sometimes it's just fear talking that keeps us from changing the course. in my experience, it was something else as well: the not knowing what it is i was supposed to learn. whether the important lesson was to learn to swim in the river in which i found myself, or whether to find a river which better suited my temperament.
i still don't know the answer.
in the end, i decided against making the major change, and in part this was because it was what the majority wanted. i tell myself this is about fairness and responsibility, and i believe that. the common good. and i have learned, for the most part, much more about the river, and how to swim it.
the sitting in shadow part is about the struggle to come to that decision. in the office of my acupuncturist is a picture with the chinese character for patience. it is translated below as "to wait with certainty. to let life carry you." i held onto that thought during times when the indecision felt intolerable. although i spent plenty of time frantically looking for The Answer, it wasn't until i let myself rest in Not-Knowing that i felt any sort of peace. accepting that i didn't know, wouldn't know, and couldn't know brought a release of blocked energy and anguish. and when i finally made my choice, i saw it as just that: a choice, not a mistake.
every beginning is an ending. every ending is a beginning.
you can't and won't be able to do it all. so you choose what your heart and mind can both support.
sometimes my heart still lags behind and i go down the useless path of what if. i won't know and i am sad about that. but i can still bring love and intention to the path i have chosen.
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